seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
