I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
