Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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