Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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