I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
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Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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