i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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