My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
