Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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