Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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