you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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