You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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