cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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