If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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