I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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