shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
