I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
