a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
