i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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