I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
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I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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