I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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