Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
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I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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