i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
