yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
