When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
