Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
