There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
