Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
