Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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