every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.