Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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