thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
