just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
