im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
pray to the hookup gods
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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