They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You are the jesus of drinking
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
