News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise