Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
