how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
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i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
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she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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