I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
porn star boner night. come get it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
