Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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