the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
