Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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