i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have fence marks all over my body
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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