listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize