I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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