did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
