this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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