we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
