If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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