im drinking this country out of the recession.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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