You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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