The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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