I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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