I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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