i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
