i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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