We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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