I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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