my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
