i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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