sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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