he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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