i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
