I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
