he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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