it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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