Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
tell me about the eggs
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
