You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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