see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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